JAW SURGERY AND THE ART THAT CAME FROM IT (TRIGGER WARNING)

I HAD DOUBLE JAW SURGERY AND IT COMPLETELY CHANGED ME AND MY LIFE. THE ART THAT I MADE DURING THE THICK OF RECOVERY IS NOW AVAILABLE FOR PURCHASE, AND I WANT TO GIVE SOME MEANING BEHIND IT FOR YOU:

THE FIRST WEEK POST OP WAS TERRIFYING - REALLY TRULY SCARED ME.

me immediately out of surgery

a few days post op- not even the worst day of swelling, but I was extremely doped up on the painkillers

I felt like I was drowning in my blood and mucus, my entire face was numb, I couldn’t move my head much, I couldn’t talk, open mouth, swallow well- and I felt everywhere that was cut. I was in so much pain and the sinuses were packed with blood and mucus. to be explicit: I would be resting and all of a sudden a blood clot the shape and size of a grape would fall into my throat and I couldn’t breath or cough it up quickly.

it was gross and scary and I hated it.

I wish I had it in me to be more poetic about this stage, but I don’t. Thinking back on that first week makes me cry. I was so debilitated and my role as a mommy was upside down. I felt scared, in pain, sad, angry, and mostly like a massive failure who might never get better (though I knew I would)

I did not want to sell the art I made from that first week- it is still difficult for me to look at. I am working through that physical and mental trauma still.

What come next though was quite beautiful-read on as I give an explanation for each print available in my shop currently:

this surgery changes your face!! they literally remove the planes of the teeth from the skull and put them back on the correct way. As the weeks went by I was searching for myself in the mirror constantly. I couldn’t tell what was swelling and what was permanent change. I drew these in my sketchbook one night when I was still drinking out of a syringe. getting in my studio was like running a marathon- so it was sketches in bed every night for a month.

this is how I felt:

fragmented, broken and put back together, searching, ugly and beautiful all at once. I felt like there were five of me I was trying to puzzle together. Every facet of life was different as I recovered and I wanted to show that puzzled feeling.

this work of art represents that falling apart and together simultaneously that we all experience when changes happen

physically I felt removed from my body. I kept saying that if I could take off my head I would feel better. but my head being on my body made me feel like a soldier. I was afraid to move- I hated not feeling my face but feeling the pain. I also felt naked constantly. I couldn’t hide the swelling, and I was so exhausted from not eating and not being able to sleep that I couldn’t hold my emotional state together either.

I cried when someone asked me how the kids are doing with this- I wouldn’t make eye contact with my friends I had known forever, I stayed still. I stayed physically still, and I was emotionally still in a not peaceful way.

If I moved I felt pain, and if I moved everyone saw my broken heart.

I wanted to offer this piece to the world because I think there is a lesson here for me and maybe you too: vulnerability is a door way to freedom. taking our heads off our shoulders, letting go of that fear- being naked in front of the world- brings your people closer to you. the real you.

This one was sketched before surgery- it is arguably the most impactful piece for me that I made. I painted it and added the words post op.

before I got this surgery someone decided it would be great and do the world some sort of justice to dm me and tell me how unnatural my surgery was and how I shouldn’t get it.

It derailed me for days. If this surgery is unnatural then my entire existence is. I was born with a cleft palate. I only can eat and drink because that was repaired when I was a baby. I endured 6 sets of tubes, over 65 ear infections, 8 years of dental work and bullying for how I talked, and I had MILD case. The world view of this person is detrimental to a large group of people born with an abnormality- to claim that surgical intervention is unnatural.

It took me a long time to look at myself and see what a miracle modern medicine can be. To see my beautiful self- stitched, broken hearted and healed. To have overcome the bullshit opinions of others and do what felt good for me, and still have compassion where there could be anger. I do not think ill of this person-

but I am beautiful for my stitches. our scars make us - intentionally made or not.

This last piece was made when I started to see myself in the mirror finally.

BUT EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP OF MINE CHANGED…

My community pulled together and supported me more than I could have imagined. I wasn’t just healing physically (which I still am) but years of abandonment issues and issues with a traumatic childhood suddenly felt less. the trauma responses and default belief system about my worth will always be there, but this experience has just made it less. There is a new narrative in my life, that I am worthy of the love people give me.

all the other abby’s still exist inside of me. My old face is still a part of me. I have some new perspective now though. I wanted the moths with the eyes to reveal that: that this is multifaceted, gorgeous, out of this world- and the coolest part is

it is me.